Here I am on the first day of college. Look at my eagerness! My huge smile, that dorky over-big red jacket, the bare bones of the ugly room.
I've been going through college pictures, wanting to make a scrapbook of those days. I scanned in a bunch of photos last night, and then I started reading my journal from freshman year. I can't decide if it's really funny or just depressing.
First of all, I am mostly interested in reading about what I did, who I talked to, etc. I want FACTS. I want a STORY. And what was I writing, my 18-year-old little coed self? I was writing about feelings. Yuck. Page after page of me whining about being homesick, worrying that I wouldn't make any friends, wondering how I'd do in my classes, rambling about boys. Hello, stupid little self! You are already going to remember the feelings! It's the stuff you're doing that will fade out of your memory! And, I was dumb. I actually wrote this down: "I can't understand this. I'm really feeling content in the mornings, tired but focused in the early afternoon, really down in the late afternoon, and then after dinner, I'm flying." Seriously? Hello, moron, it's called low blood sugar. Eat a snack.
Parts of it make me want to cry, especially the parts about my family, my immediate family of mom, dad, brother. That family is gone now, and I just have this long-distance father I talk to on the phone, a brother I only talk to on Facebook chat. I wrote that my dad was picking me up on Friday for a weekend trip in the truck. I hope he comes by himself so I can get him to myself for two whole hours. That made me cry. I still wish I could get him to myself for two whole hours.
I want to reach back in time and SHAKE that girl, that self-absorbed, melodramatic, dope and tell her to shut up! Pay attention! Stop worrying about stupid things, stop worrying about boys, focus on what is real and what will last beyond these four years. I want to whisper in her ear that she needs to soak in all that family time she can get, because it's only hers for four more years.
In all honesty, I do feel like I had a great college experience and I did learn so, so much. But I wish it was the 33-year-old me who could have four years out of time to read and learn and ponder, not the dumb kid who took it all for granted. Of course, one could argue that it was those four years as a dumb kid that grew me up.
I know that girl- It’s Ally-Pally- the party girl extraordinaire! Don’t be so hard on her- she did get shaken up- people did whisper in her ear. She was there to learn- and learn she did. She wrote down her feelings, because they were a constant in her life and she was familiar with them in a place where nothing was familiar or really comfortable, yet.
She wrote about boys because of hormones and a need to feel wanted and accepted. She- no- You were a girl and you acted your age. Befriend the girl you were, Ally, she was quite a lot of fun and had great potential.
BTW, I LOVE your smile 🙂
Don’t be upset with that girl! You can only live in the Now. So what if you did things then that you wouldn’t do now – you were doing the best you knew to do at the time. If you had known what was coming in 4 years, chances are you would have spent the time grieving, not growing. As it was, you were given 4 years of a future. Treasure your past and enjoy the present because someday you will look back on these years and think, Wow, have I changed!
Remember, I fell in love with that girl.
I’m in college, and I’m old. And the difficulty of juggling college with other obligations continually reminds me that I’m old.
There is a time and a season for everything, God was molding you in that season in the exact way He wanted to to maximize your usefulness for His purposes. We may not fully understand it in the here and now, but in the end we’ll look over the canvas of our lives and realize how each season was a part of contributing to HIS plan and “get it.”
I read this post yesterday, and it really got me to thinking. Last year, I had a very sad incident at our school. I had a student whose father shot himself while his kids were at school. All the teachers knew, but we couldn’t tell her. Her mom planned to tell her when school was done. It was the weirdest experience. I was seeing this innocent, carefree girl…talking with her friends, laughing at jokes, being bored by grammar. 🙂 I knew that in a few short hours, her life would never be the same again. I couldn’t stand to see her walk out that door. At that moment, her childhood and innocence was over. I wanted to keep her at school and let her always be that girl who was there throughout the school day. I hope you never look back on your carefree college days as something silly. I’m so glad you got those year before your own life so drastically changed. Hopefully you can think back on those times and, if for only a minute, recapture those feelings.
I love ya cousin, for the way you share yourself and for the woman you have become. There is a reason God doesn’t tell us the future – we would never have the courage to face it. You were exactly who you were supposed to be at the time, and your life was and is in the hands of God.