Any Similar Revival

Ok, I feel sheepish!

The person who made the remark that hurt me called me today. I mistook what she said, and heard something she didn't say. She actually said, "it's so different when you can take them home." Which is quite different from what I thought I heard. She was mortified that I thought she'd said the other thing.

So it's all good. I'm going to leave the post up though, because although it's not what I heard this time, I have had people say something like this to me in the past. Maybe my subconscious is just looking for reasons to get defensive. I am so not in control of any of this that I think I get a bit overprotective.

Thanks for all your kind comments, though. It's so important to be gentle with one another.

The other night I was sitting around talking with a group of women, and we were sharing what was going on in our lives. I talked about my struggle with infertility, the adoption process, the last fiasco with that whole thing, and how I'm coping with it. Then I said how thankful I am for the children I watch, that I have an outlet for my mother-love and that I have kids who love me. And someone piped up, "Oh, but it's so different when they're your own."

I was a little bit stunned, then I just glossed over it, but later, I was really hurt and annoyed that someone would point this out to me, like I don't know this, or something. I'm sure it's much, much better to have "your own" children love you. I'm sure it's very different. But don't go saying that to childless women who are struggling with the whole thing. At this point, I am going to take what I can get. And I think there is something to be said for having children love you when they don't have to. "Experts" say that kids almost always love their parents, even abusive or neglectful ones. But kids don't always love outsiders. My kids love me for me, and they don't remember a time when I wasn't in their lives. Their mother is my best friend (a cool perk to the whole situation). Their dad is my best guy friend that I'm not related to. I not only have kids, but I have a whole family.

No, it's not the same. My life is NOT going to be like other people's lives. Our family is not going to be like other families. We're going to be different, and that is ok.

I'm tired of the gloomy, sad posts. I'm moving on and cheering up.

This helps. It's my brand new car!

Hello, Spicy Red! Isn't she pert and pretty?

Oh, here is a little bit of sad. This is how I felt to be giving up my dear old Saturn.

I've always loved that car, but it was getting old and starting to fall apart.

Happy Birthday to Jordan! Today he is 23. We had lunch at Dan's Dogs. Do I look ten years old than him?

And I just like this picture:

I really am ok. After the initial disappointment, I've been pretty steady. I wasn't really expecting it to happen, and I was resigned to it after hearing the caseworker's assessment the week before. There will be another child. It IS going to happen, someday. Thank you all for your kind words and love–it has helped tremendously.

It's hard to tell people over and over, so I'm just going to post here. When I have a better handle on my emotions, I'll be able to talk about it, but not yet. The birth mother went back to her home state of Kentucky last week and had the baby there. Our caseworkers don't know what she's going to do there, but it seems safe to assume that if she does plan an adoption, it will be in Kentucky's system and not ours. At least we know now. I admit I had some bad moments yesterday, trying to understand what the heck God is doing and why it seems so necessary to play with my heart like this.

There are small compensations along the way, the sort of things that have helped me through every heartache I've had in my life. Friends, books, tea, chocolate, spring, grey kitties, blooming lilacs, baby plants in my garden, birds singing, bees bumbling around. Playing and making and moving. Singing and drawing and cooking. If I focus on what I DO have, instead of what is missing, I realize how very, very rich I am. I am definitely rich in wonderful people to love and to love me.

I think that most of the time, I am all of six-years-old. When Linda, who just got a job at a costume store and needs to work on the catalog of the costumes, asked me if I'd like to model some for her, I said yes without a second thought. She took these, amidst many giggles and shrieks–it was so much fun to be on the other side of the camera for once! Of course, I couldn't leave well enough alone and played with photoshop. These are some of my favorites.

1950s Domestic Goddess:

I just love my kitty-cat handbag!

1950s Poodle-skirt girl, waving

1920s maid a-dusting