The last few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster around here. I haven't blogged about it because I just couldn't. It's still difficult to put this out here, but I'm going to.
Our social worker called us on St. Patrick's Day to tell us of a possible foster/adoptive placement of a baby who is yet to be born. We've waited through changing due dates and no information, feelings of euphoria and absolute dread, and that wonderfully delightful feeling of butterflies in the tum-tum and sitting on pins and needles. Today, I finally talked to the worker who has actually met with the (very) young birth parents. She is adept at reading birth parents and assessing their commitment to their decision to place their babies for adoption. She told me that these two said all the right things, but that her gut tells her they will probably change their minds. "When they're that young and they hold their baby for the first time, they just can't do it. They want somebody to love."
And we go plunging down the BIG hill of the roller coaster. Whee.
I know that nothing is written in stone. Heck, they could decide to place the baby, sign the papers, and then change their minds in a week. They can change their minds until the state gets permanent custody from the courts, and the time that takes can vary. They could decide to raise the baby and then change their minds. Or they could surrender and NOT change their minds. Or keep her (did I say the baby is a girl? It's a girl) and not change their minds. We might never hear from these two again, as it is up to them to call the worker, and if they decide to raise the baby, they won't need to tell anybody. Is that vague and uncertain enough for you?
This whole experience is emotionally shattering. I've been a wreck, unable to settle to any activity. It's the not knowing that is killing me. I can handle not getting the baby–I'm well practiced at NOT getting babies. But this promise of a baby, this maybe of a baby, ugh! I am so weary of disappointment. I know that God is in control. I know that if this little girl isn't meant for us, someday there will be another little one who is. I know that. But sometimes that doesn't make a bit of difference to how I feel.
I sent out an email today to some friends and family. In it, I asked them to not ask me questions unless I bring it up. It's hard to explain why, and I don't know that I did a very good job, and I hope I didn't hurt anyone with my words. A dear friend of mine wrote back and she expressed for me EXACTLY what I'm feeling:
"I think it is wise of you to alert all of those who love you and are concerned for you both in this brave new step in your life…alert us honestly as to the fragile nature of the present and let us do our "hoping" in private as you are. When you are faced with the tenuousness of a situation each day, each moment …the well-intended inquiries of friends and families can bring you to the brink. It just becomes too much to repeat all the details over and over."
The baby is due April 30th. And that's all I know.
Please feel free to comment–I love encouragement. I will keep you posted.
Beautiful, brave and vulnerable. Whatever changes the Lord brings- whatever this couple decides- whatever happens- you remain my hero. I love you- Always!
I am praying for you and for God to lead the parents in the best direction for the baby girl…
You know, if you want me to babble incessantly to you about any other subject, I am very good at that! Just call me 🙂
You and Chad are in our thoughts and prayers as you go through this roller coaster ride. Just remember, whatever happens, God has a plan for you and for this baby girl. I pray that plan is for you, Chad and this baby to be a family.
Thank you for sharing your heart. You are in my prayers. Just continue holding Jesus hand.
My prayers are with you both and with the parents of this little girl. It is a privilege to pray for you, Allyson. So grateful that you decided to share this and even more grateful that you have the wisdom to to be transparent about how you are feeling.
May God grant you courage and peace as you wait for Him to reveal His will for you.
I love you, Allyson.
PS: That baby may be a girl, but maybe not! If the doctors say it’s a boy, that means they’ve seen something definitive. If they say it’s a girl, it means they haven’t seen something. Our doctor told us he was 95% sure Sam was a girl, but cautioned us that ‘just ’cause you didn’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there!’
People don’t get my opinion much on this issue, so I suppose I’ll share it now. This place is as good as any, right?
Thank you all for your prayers and for your love. The maybe-ness of it all is definitely one of the harder things to deal with. It might be akin to finding out there are going to be layoffs at work, and you don’t know for weeks or months, and finally they tell you. Job? No job? It might be like waiting to hear how someone’s surgery goes. It might be like waiting for the biopsy results to come back. It might be like watching your kids grow up and coping with the fact that you really don’t have as much control as you thought.
Then again, it might be like trying to have children for the past 8 years and coming up short, then dealing with more uncertainty and tests of faith than you expected when you went into the foster/adoption training course for the first time.
God’s lesson to me over the past several years can be summarized in one word: WAIT. And so I do. Sometimes just chatting with Allyson, sometimes with friends listening, sometimes with private tears that no one but God can see. And I hear his voice, again… “Wait. Trust me. Wait, my son. I love you.”
And so I will pay attention to that voice, trying to hear it through the deafening cries of worry and pain, hope and joy, disappointment and anticipation. Thanks again for all your kind words and prayers.
you two are both in our thoughts and prayers, God does have a plan and He is faithful- but we all want to know NOW God what the end result looks like!! He wants what is best for you- even when that makes no sense, hurts, and is horribly confusing and annoying. I will do my best to not ask questions , please forgive me if I ever asked too much. (I don’t think anyone took your request the wrong way either.) I keep praying that the parents make the right decision, and for that baby girl, that no matter what the right thing happens- whatever that is. lots of love and prayers.
I’m glad you shared. Sending love to you and prayers to God that all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.
You are both so loved and I know the Lord sees your hearts and (since He created them) He knows exactly how to fill them. It’s not easy to live the story of our lives sometimes. But I will continue to believe in happy endings. And I am praying.